


On the Fence

by rickbisexualgrimes



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Heavy Angst, Love Confessions, M/M, Regan Week 2018, Unhappy Ending, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-13
Updated: 2018-06-13
Packaged: 2019-05-09 07:50:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14712071
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rickbisexualgrimes/pseuds/rickbisexualgrimes
Summary: For quite some time Negan and Rick have been sleeping together but the biggest problem is that only one them caught feelings.





	On the Fence

**Author's Note:**

> "Unrequited" is the theme for this day so have a good heaping load of angst (from Negan) !!

Those sounds of Rick moaning beneath him were enough to send him over the fucking edge. Negan fucked roughly into Rick's entrance and kissed at his neck. Just to see how Rick would react he let his teeth graze against Rick's pale skin. The younger man didn't react any differently and only demanded he fuck him harder.

 

  
Negan did as he requested and fucked him so hard that the bed was moving. The very same bed that Negan brought to Rick after he burned all the mattresses to a fucking crisp.

 

  
He came inside him with a grunt then lingered on top of him until Rick decided to forcefully move him. That was all their relationship or whatever they could call it entailed. Negan getting him off, Rick pretending nothing happened and then Rick leaving.

 

  
To Negan that wasn't all it was (at least not anymore) so he made attempts to be softer - more tender. Only to get treated like a fuck toy. Which there was some irony to Negan feeling used given he didn't offer the wives any love. But they all knew what they were getting into. And sure, maybe Negan did to at first when he propositioned they fuck out their frustrations. He was partially trying to get on Rick's nerves or see if he'd react.

 

  
Well it turned out Rick's idea of reacting to his flirtation was them fucking it out.

 

 

Negan often replayed that day in his head when he needed to jerk off. The way that Rick handled him like a fucking animal was the biggest turn on. They fucked so hard that Negan thought the whole house would collapse.

 

  
From there it'd been a cycle of Rick fucking him then pretending he never did. Negan almost felt comfortable with being used because he wanted Rick. He never really knew how much until the fourth time they had sex. Seeing Rick glistening with sweat and that after sex glow - he just knew.

 

  
Now he was in a dilemma of sorts that would be catastrophic since Rick didn't want that. He'd probably laugh in his fucking face like he told a hilarious joke.

 

  
Who the fuck falls for someone they were trying to break? Since that was apart of why Negan poked at Rick like a dog. Until one day Rick fought back and showed his teeth. Then it became sweaty fuck sessions that included Rick barely moaning his name. He was the dirty secret that Rick intended to keep at all times.

 

  
Negan continued to lay in Rick's bed and subtly take in the smell of Rick. Between the sweat there always was that specific 'Rick smell' that lingered. Apparently he didn't have much in the way of strongly scented body wash. So it seemed like a natural musk that was apart of him.

 

 

When he got that look that told him to get up, he just listened because he couldn't risk it ending. Instead of him having all the power it was Rick who did. He abhorred rape so he would never forcefully take Rick. That was one big rule for the Sanctuary and the Saviors. If he had to beg Rick to not stop - he might.

 

  
What would Lucille think of me now? Would she think I'm a fucking pathetic shell? Negan thought as he got his clothes back on.

 

  
"Rick, I think I need to tell you something." Negan blurted out without even thinking for a goddamn second.

 

  
Rick visibly grimaced like he knew what was coming. "Don't. you. dare. I don't wanna hear what I think you're gonna say."

 

  
"Why the fuck not? Wouldn't it be proof of some goodness in me?"

 

  
"No."

 

  
"What the hell does that even mean?" Negan gritted his teeth out of frustration. "Is all this just sex to you? Do you really not see this becoming more?"

 

 

Rick pinched the bridge of his nose. "It means you're incapable of doin' any good that doesn't just serve you. It means you can't possibly feel that way. And yes it's just sex to me so can we just get outta here before Carl or someone walks in?

 

  
  
Knowing that was really how Rick felt definitely didn't feel the greatest. If anyone asked him to describe it he'd say it was the equivalent of a gut punch with a metal glove.

 

  
There were no goodbye kisses exchanged between them or even Rick indicating they'd meet up next week. All that Negan got every time was Rick walking him to the gate. Then nothing. He would sometimes try for a kiss but Rick would lean away from him. That in itself showed Negan what he didn't want to believe - Rick would never love him back.

 

* * *

 

 

 

Trying to find comfort in any of the wives was a failed mission every fucking time. Most of the wives were there for the security and the benefits of being a wife. Negan had really only slept with a few of them and the few that would seek him out or vice versa were unpredictable.

 

Frankie would come to him when she needed a decent release. Normally she'd top him, barely let him touch her and that would be it.

 

Tanya came less often and would often times use him for physical comfort. From what he could tell about her after all this time was that she used sex to avoid emotions. Though like clockwork she'd leave looking a lot more emotional than she came.

 

The rest of the wives that had ever slept with didn't come to him very much anymore. In the beginning they did but that slowly flickered out like a dying flame. Negan didn't have sex all the time like he tried to make it seem like. Truth be told, Rick was the one person he'd been fucking regularly.

 

Negan had taken less of an interest in his wives ever since he started sleeping with Rick. And at first it made him feel like a weak piece of shit. There he was sleeping with the man who he should be using, not the other way around. Negan resisted the urge to swing Lucille in the air while picturing someone on the receiving end. That always made him feel like he was losing his shit even further. If anything Lucille got a kick out of it in her after life.

 

He left his room to venture into the wives room so he could see if anyone was in the mood. When he opened the door to the room he saw Frankie and Tonya cuddled up. It looked extremely intimate which had Negan wondering. He made it clear quite some time ago that they could sleep with each other but that was it. Anyone outside of him or each other, was a big no no.

 

  
Both of the women continued to stare at him like they were waiting for something. Negan stepped inside and didn't bother closing the door behind them. It was late in the evening so he didn't expect very many people would be walking around. Negan got the girls to scoot over so he could sit down. They remained cuddled up together, Frankie had her head on Tanya's lap and she was stroking her red hair.

 

  
"So..." Negan clicked his tongue. "..when did this happen?"

 

  
"When did what happen?" Tanya questioned while continuing to read the book she had in her hands. Her eyes seemed clued to the page like she was genuinely invested.

 

 

Negan made a gesture towards them. "You know what I'm referencing."

 

  
"I know but why does it matter? I thought we were allowed to sleep with each other?"

 

  
Damn, she's fucking right.

 

  
Negan narrowed his eyes playfully because she had him there. "If you don't wanna tell me that's fine. I just came by to see if one or both of you were into -"

 

  
"No." They both responded at the same time.

 

  
"Ouch! Double fucking rejected. Do you mind if I sit in here or am I disturbing your peace?"

 

  
"We don't care." Tanya said with nonchalance. "What's on your mind?"

 

  
"What makes you think anything is on my mind?"

 

  
"It's obvious."

 

  
Ranting to his wives about Rick wasn't a terrible idea but he hated that there was anything to discuss. If everything was all good between them he wouldn't even bring it up.

 

 

Negan stretched his legs out so they were on the coffee table. "Remember when I said that I was fucking Rick? Well I'm still fucking him and he still hates my goddamn guts. I can't say I really blame him for it but he's just so cold towards me. Not that I can blame him for that either. And I'm the fucking idiot who fell for him as in I love him."

 

  
"Wait." Frankie lightly chuckled, her head still laid against Tanya's lap. "You love Rick Grimes? As in the man who swore he'd kill you? That Rick? Oh, Negan. Even for you that's incredibly stupid."

 

  
"I know it's fucking dumb. Really fucking dumb actually. I tried to tell him today but he wouldn't hear it and basically said I'm incapable of feeling that way. He has it in his head that I'm this monster when he's probably just as shitty. What type of hypocritical shit is that? So he hops on my dick whenever he feels like it but can't possibly have feelings for me? He can fuck the monster but can't have feelings for it. How the fuck does that work?"

 

  
"All you can do Negan is accept what he gives you and in time maybe he'll feel the same. Or you can let him go to save yourself the pain." Frankie muttered sympathetically. "The choice is yours."

 

 

The choice was ultimately his because no one was holding Negan in place or making him stick around. Not like Rick was keep him as his hostage or ruining his life. That was the other way around and Negan wasn't oblivious of that fact. Negan just refused constantly to save himself the pain of loving Rick. The end result would be being emotionally destroyed, more than he already was, and Negan needed to accept that.

 

  
Swaying Rick into loving him was a last goddamn resort (one that made him look pathetic) so he'd try that. If being more lenient when it came to pick ups would show Rick he was reasonable. Then he'd fucking do that. Same went for anything else that Rick requested.

 

  
Everything that Frankie just told him wasn't wrong but he needed to turn it around. Negan hadn't loved or cared about anyone this way since Lucille. Just the thought of her tugged at his heart in the worst fucking way. She was long gone, she was just a distant memory, almost similar to a cloud - something you want to touch but can't.

 

  
For the rest of his evening he kept quiet since both Frankie and Tanya passed out on the couch together. So Negan didn't care to disturb them. He left the wives room and put a blanket over them both then slipped out. When he got back to his room he felt that emptiness again. What if he could bring Rick to the Sanctuary so they could have a night together? Would that change anything?

 

  
He'd have to try.

* * *

 

 

"Why the hell do you wanna bring me to the Sanctuary? Carl has already told me what it's like." Rick had a skeptical look on his face that pained Negan.

 

  
Negan got in closer so their conversation would be private. "I know you don't trust me for shit but I'm trying to prove that you can. I may be the asshole that's takin' your shit and all that but you should give me a chance. I won't force you so it's up to you, Rick."

 

  
"I'm only goin' to see what your community is like. So don't get any funny ideas that I'm doin' this to satisfy any twisted desires you have." Rick said lowly before stepping away.

 

 

"Y'know when you speak to me like that I almost don't even feel angry. Though if you want we can fuck out this frustration you have with me."

 

 

"We'd be fuckin' for a long ass time if I started doin' that more. I'm gonna tell Carl and the others where I'm goin' just in case you kill me."

 

  
"Goddammit Rick. If I wanted to kill you I'd just do it here for everyone to fucking see. Don't you think? But go ahead and tell them where their precious leader is headed. Tell hi to the kids for me."

 

 

Once the younger man got finished with telling everyone where he was going, he got inside Negan's vehicle. He had just Arat and Simon driving with him this time. The ride had a lot of tension but only because Rick was being a stiff motherfucker. Meanwhile Simon was poking at Rick the whole fucking ride which didn't help. Arat didn't speak much and only asked Negan if he wanted her to stop the car.

 

  
Negan still had a boatload of determination when it came to making Rick comfortable. So he pulled out all the stops when they arrived at the Sanctuary. He gave strict orders not to hurt Rick unless he gave the order. That meant if anyone touched him they'd be getting the fucking iron or Lucille.

 

  
He walked Rick into the factory building and kept glancing at Rick to see his reactions. Rick seemed neutral but at certain points during the tour he smirked. For what reason, Negan didn't fucking know and didn't bother to ask either. He led Rick to the wives room because he asked to see it.

 

  
Clearly Carl mentioned it in the worst possible light because Rick looked surprised. All of the ladies in there stopped to stare at them both. The only person who didn't seem to care was Amber but she looked drunk out of her skull.

 

  
The first wife to walk over to greet Rick was Sherry, not that Negan felt surprised by that. She seemed to have a way with people and he admired that.

 

  
"So you're Rick..you look exactly as Negan described you." Sherry took a sip of the drink in her glass. "He talks a lot about you honestly."

 

  
Negan saw the look of terror on Rick's face and it put him off a little bit. Especially since Rick made it clear where they stood and that made it worse. He shot a glare at Sherry who just shrugged before going to top up her glass. Both Frankie and Tanya were practically all over each other on the couch. Negan coughed to get their attention and as soon as they looked up they smiled.

 

  
Frankie moved away from Tanya's grasp and greeted herself. "Hey, I'm Frankie. Who might you be handsome?"

 

  
"I'm Rick Grimes." Rick blushed visibly. "I take it Negan's mentioned me to everyone."

 

 

"He definitely has but my lips are sealed for the most part. Are you here for a tour or ?"

 

 

"I don't really know why I'm here to be honest and he won't exactly tell me as much. It was nice to meet you though, Frankie. "

 

 

Due to it being a little late in the day, Negan suggested that Rick stay the night and leave in the morning. The suggestion of course had Rick irritated by him. Regardless he didn't push to go home so Negan was doing back flips internally. Maybe this shit was going to work out.

 

* * *

 

 

Rick cringed when he thought about how he would probably end up sleeping next to Negan. He didn't want to give Negan the wrong idea about it. Whatever he felt towards him was damn obvious and it made him regret sleeping with him. Even more than he did most days. Only a few people he was close to even knew that he was doing so. And they were disappointed in him but not so much that they weren't loyal anymore.

 

  
When Michonne somehow sensed it she approached him so they could have a deep conversation. Rick explained that he knew how it happened but thought it would be a one time thing. Explaining to Michonne certain details was a bit uncomfortable given they were no longer together. Plus their relationship was relatively brief due to certain issues they couldn't get past.

 

  
Still, they both trusted each other immensely and that's why Michonne even approached him in the first place. She didn't judge Rick or find a way to make him feel like shit but she told him to be careful. Those who knew agreed not to tell Maggie whatsoever.

 

  
Rick had no weapons on him so if anything went wrong he didn't know what he'd do. The last part of the tour was Negan's bedroom which seemed fitting. If he was there he may as well take advantage of them not getting caught. But Rick would have to make a few things clear with Negan.

 

  
Just as Carl described as well as what Rick pictured, Negan's bedroom was gaudy. Almost like he basked in how he was "king shit" and no one else could be.

 

  
A guard was ordered by Negan to wait outside the bedroom just in case something went wrong. By that obviously Negan meant Rick trying to kill him. He happened to not be that stupid so it was a pointless precaution. Rick sat down at one of his Negan's couches to rest his feet.

 

  
Negan practically skipped over to a table where there were decanters full of liquor. "Want a drink? You look like you could use one and well I'd rather you not be an asshole this whole time."

 

  
"Hah, the pot callin' the kettle black. Yeah, I could use a drink right about now." Rick ran his thumb over the arm of the couch, his finger didn't collect one bit of dust. Obviously Negan kept his area clean by the looks of it which wasn't surprising.

 

  
"Did you have at least a little bit of a good time today with me? I would hope so 'cause I've been tryin' my fucking hardest to make you comfortable."

 

  
"For the most part it wasn't bad but don't think I don't see what you're tryin to do."

 

  
"And what am I tryin' to do, Rick? What evil scheme could I have up my sleeve?"

 

  
"You're tryin' to see if I feel the same for you and I don't. So if we do anythin' tonight you need to know that it's 'cause you're good in bed not 'cause I like you."

 

  
Negan used hand gestures to mimic him getting burned. "Goddamn that fuckin' hurt, Rick. Why can't you just give me a chance to prove I could be a lot of things for you? Unless you already got a boyfriend on the side? Daryl? That dude with the long fucking hair that lives at the Hilltop?"

 

  
Rick tried to suppress his laughter but he couldn't hold it back. "Are you serious? You think I'm with Daryl? No, he's just family and Jesus is a friend."

 

  
"Well then what the fuck is gonna take for you to give it a shot even a little bit?! I fucking lo-"

 

  
That was it, Rick had reached his damn limits with Negan.

 

  
"You don't! You think you do but you don't! All you've done to me is ruin everythin' that we've built, killed people that were important to us and tried to break me. You call that love? Are you outta your mind?"

 

  
Negan's eyes were filling with tears like he was legitimately upset. "Fuck you, Rick. You're such a stubborn, self righteous prick."

 

  
"And you're a fuckin' maniac so maybe in some twisted sense we're perfect for each other. Too bad for you I won't let that happen, ever." Rick got up to snatch the glass that Negan poured for him then sat down again.

 

* * *

 

 

  
Negan's fantasy of being able to wake up next to Rick shattered when he saw Rick was gone. The morning light shone through the curtains and highlighted the empty space. There was a note that read that he left to go home early. Who would have even driven him? Unless he asked for a vehicle and someone stupidly gave him one.

 

  
Instead of being composed, Negan pounded his fist against his mattress. He felt an extreme frustration having to deal with Rick's behavior. The kicker was that he didn't have to put up with that shit anymore. Not if he didn't want to. He could try and move on and stomp the feelings into dust.

 

  
Wallow in the disappointment ended up being his plan for the rest of the day. And the wives could tell that was what was wrong with him. Negan even asked for a massage from Frankie but that didn't help, nothing fucking helped. Not even the offer of sex and normally he wouldn't turn that down. He just sulked, yelled at whoever he felt like yelling at and took the day off. Not like they were working a fucking schedule. The apocalypse wasn't going anywhere.

 

  
Negan nursed his fifth drink in the wives room and they finally took his glass from him. More specifically Frankie did which normally he hated when people told him what to do. He drunkenly groaned and got prepared for a goddamn lecture.

 

  
Frankie, Tanya and Sherry all relaxed in their seats but Frankie was the one to speak first.

 

  
"You've been miserable all day and we know it's because of Rick somehow. Whether it's something he happened to say or do, it's obvious. What happened?" Frankie asked straightforwardly.

 

  
"He basically told me I have a snow ball's chance of being with him. Not only that but we didn't even fuck and he slept on the couch for most of the night. Until he slipped in beside me on the bed but didn't touch me. Then I woke up to a goddamn note saying he left."

 

  
"Did you really think he was going to give in that easily and disregard all you've done. We don't know all the details but from what we've heard he has no reason to trust you. You have to know that much."

 

  
Negan rolled his eyes and stretched his legs. "Well no fucking shit I know that. He's just a goddamn prick is what he is. Always talkin' to me like I'm the fucking bad guy. When he started this whole fucking thing by killing all those guys at the outpost. Not to mention the ones that hill billy fucker killed on the road. I mean what the hell else he did expect would happen? That I would meet him and have rainbows shooting outta my ass?! This world is shit and people still get punished for their actions. What I did was their punishment."

 

 

"Do you want to hear our honest opinion?" Sherry piped up from the other couch. "Or are you too busy feeling sorry for yourself?"

 

 

He nodded at her to continue talking because he was too drunk to give a shit.

 

 

"I know what it's like for someone to no longer trust you. You can love someone and not be good for them. I'm no good for D at this point and he's no good for me. Which is why I haven't crawled back to him. The point is you want Rick but you wouldn't do anythin' good for him. He sees you as the monster who ruined everything."

 

 

"So you really would never go back to Dwighty boy? He's just a distant memory in your distant past? I don't believe that shit for one goddamn second. The way he still looks at you, I know he'd jump right back to ya if he had the fucking chance."

 

 

"It doesn't matter what I want or what he wants. What matters is what's best for us both and neither of us is what's best for each other. This place has turned him into a man I no longer recognize. I don't know even know if I recognize myself anymore. Point is, you either let Rick go or let it eat you up." Sherry got up from her seat and smoothed out her dress. As she was leaving Negan felt compelled to ask her one last thing.

 

 

"Did you? Did you let Dwight go?" Negan's face was neutral and so was Sherry's.

 

 

"I can't answer that." Sherry responded dully before leaving the room colder than it already was. 

 

* * *

 

 

Many weeks breezed by like there were nothing and Negan continued his regular routine with Rick. Nothing changed after that night. Rick's mind didn't change, Negan's feelings didn't change, their behavior just didn't change.

 

  
Negan cycled through tenderness as well as ruthlessness. Some days he was more lenient than others and some days he was more of an asshole. That was how he continued to play it because Rick didn't make it easy. He refused to have any intimate conversations, he refused to let Negan be soft in bed so they fucked hard. Negan almost felt bad about how Rick wobbled around afterwards.

 

  
One day he led Rick inside his house when Carl and Judith were out. Everyone was too busy with the pick up to notice they slipped away. Negan didn't wait for shit and bent Rick over his own kitchen table. He didn't want to go through the hassle of getting dressed so he undid his belt.

 

  
The anticipation from Rick was noticeable but he didn't feel as turned on as usual. Negan felt like shit because he couldn't have Rick the way he wanted. He tried hard for weeks to pretend like it didn't fucking matter. But the truth was that it really did matter and it hurt. Negan wasn't ashamed to be emotional about shit so he let himself crack.

 

  
Negan stilled behind Rick with his belt unbuckled and his hands on Rick's hips. "Fuck. This fucking hurts. I don't think you even know how much. The last person I felt this way for was Lucille, my wife, she um .. she died. I'm not trying to make you feel sorry for me or some shit. I just want you to understand that me feeling the way I do is really not a small thing."

 

 

The silence from Rick said enough for him but Negan kept going.

 

 

"I'm trying my fucking hardest not to want you and I just fail. We're supposed to be enemies pretty goddamn much but here I am pining over you. It's fucking pathetic and what's worse is that I won't just stop. I do love you and I wish you'd just love me too."

 

 

Still nothing was being said by Rick so Negan zipped his pants up, buckled his belt then left Rick's house. This just made him think of why it's stupid to love anyone. They either leave you somehow or don't love you back.

 

 


End file.
